Naked

**Warning:  Another heavy, emotionally exhausting piece.  Easy to write.  Hard to read.  Harder to hear. **

Me Shattered

(press play to listen to the audio)

Brutal is what it’s been.  This past week has been nothing short or shy of hellacious.  It’s not taxes or divorce or death, it’s truth.  It’s me telling myself what I’m about to tell you.

You are my friend, my confident, my lover, my lifelong.  Whoever you are, I push you away…unless you’re a stranger.  If you’re a stranger, I greet you with smiles and warmth and charm.  I offer you all that I have and rather than waiting and being patient and learning and watching our relationship organically unfold and grow, I tell you my secrets and ask for yours.  You, being polite and interested in talking to an interested ear, have no trouble opening up and telling me your tales.  You share your challenges.  You confess your crimes.  I tell you I’m proud of you because I am and I’m done.  I’ve succeeded in turning you, a stranger into a friend and now that you’re a friend?  Well, you know what I do.  I just told you.  I push you away by making it impossible for you to stay.  Why?  Because it’s easier that way.  It’s easy to be intimate because in doing so, you either friend zone me or either one of us or maybe both of us, becomes a person.  You are no longer an object or a puppet and I prefer puppets to people.  Instead, you are a human and you have feelings and you have history and awareness and awkwardness and a past and more importantly a future and you’re real and you’re not any longer what I want you to be.  I want you to be an object.  I want you to be a one night stand.  I want you to be the fruit of my fantastic romantic vision.  I want you to be Garbo or Monroe.  I want you to remain mysterious.  Who I don’t want you to be is human because humans have feelings and humans are hard to fuck.  If you’re human, I have to worry myself with my conscience.  I have to be concerned with your well being.  I have to look out for your best interests.  So, even though you and your twenty-year-old hard body come up to me after a meeting where you confessed to having only 30 days sober and court me with empty introductions and provocative invitations, I know I’m not getting anywhere near you because at the end of the day or the next morning, I know I’ll care more about preserving your self-respect than you do.  Why?  Not because I’m a nice guy.  Because you’re a person and I don’t want to participate in your damage or your destruction.  And more importantly, I don’t want to ever relate to you somewhere in between dinner this evening and a morning twenty years from now when we’re waking our kids telling them it’s time to go school.  I don’t want to risk you getting, or me letting, you into my life as anything other than a friend who I’ll eventually push away or a stranger who I’ll let temporarily stay.

Anything, anywhere else is dicey and dodgy and risky.  Risky because I might know you and you might know me well enough to run for real.  You might know me well enough to leave me.  You might know me enough, just enough, to discover my darkness and my secret. You might last long enough and love me and love me enough to know I’m unlovable and then I’ll be lost because you will leave.  You will leave like everyone, like every other person before you has left, because leave is what you do and why wouldn’t you when I’ve pushed hard enough and long enough so that your tears and pleas mean nothing to me because regardless of how beautiful you are and how rich in wisdom of a woman you are and how honest you are willing to be with me so you can encourage me to be that man, the one you know I want to become, you will be gone because you will leave and knowing this, believing this, buying this lie is what I do and because of this I insist you leave now, that you leave today, that you leave sooner rather than later like twenty years tomorrow because leave I know you will eventually do, so why not save us all the trouble and the lifetime of tears for the many years lost and why not just end it now and let it be over in a day?  Why pull you close only to push you away?  Because it’s easier than if you were to stay.  It’s easier on me.  It’s easier on my ego.  It’s easier on my libido and it’s easier on the man who was meant to make the cake we’d eat on our wedding night because there will be no cake, there will be no wedding and there certainly will never be a divorce. The divorce I know is coming because your proposal, your offer, your willingness to be mine is only so that you can leave me later, publicly, for all to see where you stand and say what I’ve always known already:  “Peter, you are absolutely unlovable!  Not because you beat me or because you cheat on me but because you’re unwilling to pair with me and partner with me and equal with me and love me as I have loved you because you’re afraid that someday I will do what I never wanted or intended to; I will leave you because you showed me the door and insisted I don’t belong in your life or love anymore.”

So, what was this week and why don’t I know you?  Why am I not anything other than a therapist and why aren’t you anything other than a friend who’s on your way out?  Because I just told you; you were never close to ever being allowed in.

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28 thoughts on “Naked

  1. Peter it sounds as if you’ve been very hurt in the past and don’t want to be hurt again, is that so?
    Great piece of writing, I hope it’s not true! Thanks for your follow! ❤ from a stranger

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  2. Wow Peter. That was a brave, painful, tough and liberating part of yourself to face. I am still shaking. I have no advice for you, but a quote definitely springs to mind. ‘The truth will set you free but first it will make you miserable’. I feel your pain and I hope that if you decide to keep trudging through your pain, freedom will await you. I am wishing you the best of what you want for yourself, whatever that may be. Love, Aari x

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  3. Very thought-provoking. And so descriptive of so many of us, if we are truly honest with ourselves and others. Before I married and had children, I had labeled and promoted myself as a very loving, generous woman. Now, and with increasingly-embarrassing frequency I am learning — painfully, yet slowly — how very much I do need a Savior, and that Jesus HAD to die FOR ME. I am beginning to understand that only in Christ and through Him can we truly love. I ask Him often to fill me with His love, because it so clear that I cannot love anyone on my own.

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  4. Wow! That was unexpected. I’m glad I looked into who was following my blog (and thank you!).

    I wonder what event in your life or a past life convinced you, you are unlovable? From experience, I suspect it happened early in life, in the formative years, when we are most vunerable, when our organic state of innocence and joy is hijacked by the world. It could have been a very minor event to the adult mind, but to the child it was huge. Or, it could have been huge and perceived by the adult as small; regardless it convinces us that, “I am at fault, therefore – I am not lovable. If I I’m not lovable then I how could I ever deserve love or happiness and all the joy they bring”. I AM LESS THAN. I have spent most of my life in that place and I feel you, literally and personally. Once the human mind believes something as fact, all of life will conform to make it so; all our thoughts, all our actions will be filtered through the sieve of this belief.

    It’s only a belief and believes are subject to change. Beliefs are only perception based on experience. We have the gift of changing our perceptions; at looking at the world anew. The world is a great teacher; so great we forget who we are. We are the innocent, joyful child that looks at the world with wonder. Remembering is the miracle of life.

    I heart you and you me – what we give we receive…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mind? Goodness no! I’m honored! You’re definitely the first to nominate my writing for anything! I’m moved. Thank you. Btw, the fact that you’ve won the award yourself (I clicked on your link and saw it in all its glory) says something! Congratulations!

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  6. Peter, I can totally empathize with the sentiments stated here. It almost sounds as if we have quite a few similar situations in our past.
    I, however, did plunge into the marriage thing. Twice. What’s that they say in Recovery? Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. After that second one finished circling the drain, I made the decision that I’m not the marrying type.
    I stay away from group gatherings as much as possible. I find that people, in general, are okay in small doses, but prolonged exposure can cause anger or resentment. And I do find I dump way too much info on them in the short time we interact. I guess part of my way of pushing them out the door. Can’t let anyone stick around after I tell some of my little secrets, for they might start guessing at my larger ones.
    I’m glad to have read your writings here! Hope things work to your best interests!
    — John

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    • John, thanks for reading and thanks for relating. It’s always encouraging to know I’m not alone in my struggles. I’m sorry about your marriages dissolving. I would imagine that must be painful. If it’s any consolation, I’ve learned I feel a whole lot better by not keeping any secrets of my own. A few people know my whole story and love me anyway. Maybe one will someday be my wife. Thanks again and all the best to you too!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Early in my recovery, I did tell the first fiance (never got as far as a ring) my deepest, and scared her off. As a result, I revealed less with each new one, and they still left. I’m not now, nor at the time, negatively affected. Well, I did let the first get to me.
        My first wife is nine years younger, and the Mother of my only child, who just turned 20.
        My second wife once told me one of the things she respected me for was how, no matter what happened, I just kept going. She then found out that included her leaving.
        I’m not sure if they are all crazy, or if it’s just me.

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      • John, it sounds like you learned the hard way what I hopefully learned the easy way…my deepest and darkest secrets aren’t for everyone, but for close and trusted friends, preferably other alcoholics. I’ve discovered that normies don’t respond well when I confess my fears to them. They tend to freak out. Other alcoholics however nod and say “me too.” I need that. As for respecting you for your persistence, I can relate. An ex of mine shared the same sentiments exactly. There’s something to be said for moving on and moving forward despite difficulties. I applaud you!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Our ego is so afraid of us remembering the magnificent, all powerful, all knowing, infinite creators that we are. When we remember (everyone will sooner or later), the ego is dead and we are no longer in bondage. Freedom rings when we truly realize we are the creator of our creations and we created every event for the very Good purpose of waking ourselves up from our slumber. The harder the knock the closer we are to opening the door wide. Keep knocking…

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  8. feeling sorry for you but hey, winners move on and build a beautiful life, losers are sore, self-centered and pursue the woman who left them over and over again…the caricature of “why whyyyyyy please love me, you should love, I miss you, love meeeee”…
    well I have just seen the comments dated from a year ago, sure you have understood that by now, she is probably happily married and you too LOL

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